1. How does a Japanese dog say "hello"? Konichiwa-wa!
2. What did the bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner? Hurry up honey!
3. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
4. What kind of waves do tiny surfers ride? Microwaves.
5. What did the power ranger say to his patients when he became a doctor? It's morphine time!
6. What does a grizzly say when he calls customer service? Just bear with me.
7. What's Mozart's favorite trap song? Bach and Boujee
8. What do you call someone who sells themselves in exchange for spaghetti? A Pasta-tute.
9. What's a ratchet girl's favorite store in the mall? Thot topic.
10. What do you call Irish Furniture? Patty O Furniture.
11. Why can't you get out of a sex cult with R.Kelly? Once you're in...urine.
12. What kind of art class does a coal miner take? Minecrafts.
13. What did a mumble rapper say to his son when he scraped his knee? Aww, lil' uzi hurt?
14. What do you call a fake spaghetti? An impasta.
15. Who was Chamillionaire's favorite author? J.K. Rowling
16. What did the salt say to the pepper? Catch you next seasoning.
17. You know, a guy threw a gallon of milk at my head...how dairy??!!
18. Why was the man's birthday so stinky? Because he was turning farty.
19. What do you call a dog that does magic? A Labracadabrador.
20. Where does the house keep all its money? In its wall-et.
21. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
22. What do you call a frog with no legs? It's un-hoppy.
23. What's the funnies candy bar? Snickers.
24. Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.
25. I would do a stake joke...but they're never well done.
26. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
27. What do you call a crip bumblebee? Bee-cuz.
28. Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees? He saw too much.
29. I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
30. What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? Arrrgh! I'm eighty.
31. You know what the pirate movie was rated? R!!!
32. How much does a pirate pay for corn? About a buck an ear.
33. What's Forrest Gump's wi-fi password? 1forrest1
34. What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
35. What's the hardest part about having anal sex? Having a cock repeatedly shoved up your a**.
36. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in.
37. What happens when you make an asian girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.
39. What does a gun and a condom have in common? You should never use either one of them.
40. What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
41. What did the one soggy boob say to the other soggy boob? If we don't get some support people will think we're nuts.
42. How do you know if a mexican girl is pregnant? Trust me, she is.
43. What do a woman and a bar have in common? Liq-her ub the front, poke her in the back.
44. How do you kill a circus clown? You go for the juggular.
45. Professor giving a talk on sex, stands up... "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure." And then he sat down.
46. A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar.
47. Why did the mustard cross the road? To ketchup with the mayonnaise.
48. Bought a camo shirt. Can't find it anymore.
49. Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? His condoms fit like a glove.
50. Cowboy walks into a German Car showroom and he says, "Audi"
51. French man walks into an English restaurant: Can I have a bloody steak? Sure, you want some fucking potatoes?
52. German Tourist is asked at the french border: Occupation? No, no, just visiting.
53. Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
54. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
55. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A cant opener
56. A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, "Well, that answers that question..."
57. My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
58. Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
59. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."
60. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
61. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
62. Why shouldn't you hire a midget as a chef? The steaks are too high.
63. "I stand corrected", said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
64. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
65. Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
66. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
67. Two atoms are walking down the road, one turns to the other "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive"
68. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
69. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...
70. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
71. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
72. When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
73. My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
74. What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
75. "This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
76. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
77. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
78. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
79. I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.
80. Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
81. I have two arms but I also have forearms.
82. Which side of a chicken has more feathers? The outside.
83. Where do sick boats go? The dock.
84. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here".
85. When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday. Now he’s 70, but we have no idea where he is.
86. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
87. Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class. Thank you sir.
88. Why do sea divers fall backwards out of the boat? If they fell forwards......they'd still be in the boat.
89. I made a belt out of watches...what a waste of time.
90. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
91. A motorcycle and a Jeep cross paths. The Jeep asks the motorcycle if he'd like to go four-wheeling. The motorcycle says, "No thanks, I'm two-tired."
92. A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
93. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus.
94. Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl.... Not on my watch.
95. I was thinking about telling you a yo momma joke, but they've all been done thousands of times by thousands of people...Kinda like yo momma.
96. A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why is there a steering wheel attached to your penis?" The pirate responds, "Yargghh! It's driving me nuts!"
97. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
98. Not sure about best joke.. I hear a lot of bad jokes. Italian ham jokes, for example, are usually quite bad. But German sausage jokes, they are definitely the wurst.
99. So when I was young, people used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comedian. Well, no one is laughing now.
100. "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me."Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him."Really?" he asked."No," I replied.
101. Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy turns to his friend and says, "Man, I wish I could do that." His friend replies, "He would bite you."
102. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
103. When I am in an elevator with my wife and other strangers are in with us, I lean over toward her and say: "do you think your husband knows about us?"
104. I asked my friend how it was living in North Korea. He says he can't complain.
105. My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
106. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."
107. I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..". He said, "No. Taking a shit."
108. A German walks into a bar and orders "Martini!" The bartender asks "Dry?" "Ein!"
109. A man walks up to an elderly gentleman, whose a little hard of hearing, and says "you've got something on your shirt." The old man asks, "come again?" The man replies, "no just mustard this time."
110. Russian newscaster: "Yesterday, the perfidious Chinese aggressor opened fire on a peacefully ploughing soviet tractor at the border. Our tractor instantly returned fire, then took off and flew away."
111. I met my girlfriend in an African language class. We just clicked.
112. Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One say, "Man, it's hot in here." The other replies, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!!!"
113. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
114. What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fsh"
115. How do you know how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
116. What did the buffalo say when his son went to college? "Bison"
117. Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Blub blub blub blub"
There, here are the 117 jokes that I could remember from the top of my head. I hope you pass this awesome knowledge to your kids and your kids to their kids etc...
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